Glass half unfulfilled...

5, 4, 3, 2…” The clock strikes midnight. Everybody screams “Happy New Year!” You hug the people around you. Gulf down your glass of champagne. There's a huge smile on your face because the energy in the air is invigorating. Fresh. Alive! Your mind is full of all the things you plan to accomplish for the year. New body. New hair. New attitude. New bae. New job. New me. Yassss!
The days pass. The time ticks. Then April rolls around and here you are. Still being 2017 you. Maybe even 2016 you too. After a week of going to the gym, you've found excuse after excuse to ignore the alarm you set to go to the gym. You kept saying you would make an appointment with your beautician to cut your hair, but haven't. Still messing with the same person you "left" in 2017. AND you haven’t filled out any job applications. Your attitude is just as it was on December 31; Then it hits you that nothing is really new at all.

​You get frustrated with yourself because you always do this. What happened to that energy you felt when the clock struck 12 on January 1?! 
   
  — 

As each year goes by, I find myself making plans for a new me in the new year. When, in reality, I was hoping each new year would bring newfound happiness and fulfillment. Believing the key to discover those things is changing who I was just hours before. 

From the outside looking in, one would think I’m currently excelling at life. I just graduated with my Master’s, moved to a new city, and started my first full-time job. Despite all of this, it feels as if happiness is out of reach. Maybe because I’m too focused on the other “failing” aspects of my life like my nonexistent love life, terrible eating habits, money that’s always disappearing, or hair that never seems to cooperate.  I constantly dwell on my areas of improvement instead of counting the blessings in front me. Perhaps if I felt the positives outweighed the negatives, this empty feeling inside would seem half full rather than half empty... 

Therefore, it’s time for me to regroup. 

As I begin this new year, I will put more emphasis on figuring out what defines “fulfillment” to me. I hope to shift my focus away from surface-level resolutions that aren’t directly correlated to my definition of happiness. I will seek out things I can control that will ultimately add to my growth. Then when 2019 rolls around I won’t be looking forward to the new year but, rather continuing to live “my best life” that I began creating in 2018. Those areas of improvement will fix themselves and become my blessings. Then everyday would feel like the first of January. 

​-Janelle B.