I Don’t Have Time for Another Child

In American society, women are almost required to have children to be fully considered a woman. If a woman doesn’t want children she’s looked down upon and secretly called selfish. People ask themselves, “What kind of woman wouldn’t want children?!”  Then there are women who decided they wanted children when they were 5 years old. She’s applauded for wanting to be a mom and a caregiver. She’s seen as nurturing and selfless. To everyone- she’s seen as living her "fullest potential". However, because America is an “unsatisfied-with-what-we-have,” society- a year after the child is born, the dreaded “when are you going to have another?!” question arises. Like, DAAAAMMNNN, I had one, how many y’all need me to have? - that’s me as of right now. 
 
My son turned 2 in March, 6 months before then people were asking me when my husband and I would have more children. I’m always baffled at the question each time it’s asked. Internally I ask myself, “Why?! Why do you want ME to have another child?” My answer to their question is always 5 years. However, 5 years is too long for almost everyone who’s asking. The rebuttal is, “oh he needs a sibling! He needs someone to grow up with.”  Well then he better start making friends! 
 
I take having children very seriously. Even more so, I take the child that I have very seriously. There’s numerous reasonings I don’t want another child right now or any time soon. The most important reason is, my son needs my attention. It’s no secret my child is behind developmentally with his speech and his independence. I expected nothing less when he was born 3 months early. For this reason, I can’t rob him of my attention. He needs me to talk and explain everything. He needs me to teach him what a spoon is and how to properly use it. My child needs me to brush his teeth, change his pamper and clothes in his crib, give him his inhaler, let him turn off the light and stand over his crib fanning him when it’s too hot (because he’s hot bodied like his father) for him to go to sleep at night. He needs me to teach him sign language so he can communicate effectively. I don’t have time for another child. I want to give Cegan the attention he deserves and I love giving it to him. Bringing another child in his world at such a crucial time in his development is robbery. 
 
Secondly, I want to WANT my next child. I wanted Cegan almost a year before he was conceived. The excitement was unmatched! My next child deserves that. My next child deserve for me to fan him or her at night because (s)he is hot bodied like “Daddy.” I never want any of my children to feel neglected by me. Currently, Cegan is a loner like I am, but my next child may be more demanding- I need to be up for that task and free to do so. Honestly, I could step up to the challenge if I needed to right now because that’s what mothers do- but I don’t want to right now. I want to be able to give my next child everything I couldn’t give Cegan. I want to be settled when I have another child. I want to be able to provide for my child by myself (including my husband obviously). Miraculously- people forget children cost money. I will never forget that and I will not rely on government assistance to help me with my children- or at least I don’t want to. 
 
Lastly, I still want to be selfish. I want to accomplish more of my educational goals and physical goals before having another child. I want to travel more and be able to randomly go out with my friends when I’m feeling up to it. Those are things I can do with one child. If I were to have a second child- those things would be much harder. I wouldn’t want to leave both of my children alone because I want them both to get the attention Mommy would give them. It took a year for my to feel like myself again after having my first child. I deserve to feel good again, to be vibrant again and to be focused on my dreams again. 
 
Now, in no way am I bashing women who have multiple children back to back- everyone has their preference. Some women would like to “get it over with” and others don’t mind starting over. Either way it’s that woman’s choice (and her husband) if she wants to have another child or not and when. We should not keep asking women when they’re going to have more children. Children are great- but children are work! Children are the greatest joy but they are also our biggest stressors. Moms don’t talk about the stressors of having children- for reasons society has set in place (which will be a different blog post all together), but it’s stressful.  Allow women to have children on their time. Stop pressuring women to keep having children. Allow moms the opportunity to adjust to motherhood. My son is 2 years old and I am still adjusting to being a mom. I love my son and I love the children I’ll have in the future, but this time right here is for the child I have now and I won’t be having any other children until I feel he is completely ready to share me with someone else. 
 
-Attentive Mom, Raven J.