I’m a wife, mom, and full time working-woman. I have a small hair business on the side and soon I’ll be back in school (God willing), but nonetheless I’m busy enough as it is. In the past, I remember talking to my husband for hours about how much he and I wanted to have our first child after getting married. I made sure everyone knew it too. My Instagram bio was, “Married: 08/22/2015 Pregnant: 08/23/2015.” We didn’t care about “having time as a married couple,” because we had time. We’d been together since 2011 and lived together since 2014. We HAD time together. I got pregnant 2 weeks after our wedding- we were so excited! During my pregnancy, I took care of my husband! I cooked almost every day (except the days when I craved Applebee’s fries), I worked full time, did hair on the weekends and was a full time student! He didn’t have to ask for anything because I was doing it all. He did get mad at me for not folding clothes one day and I got in his @$$ so he straightened up.
Fast-forward to now, our son is almost 2 years old (20 months to be exact for THOSE mothers). In these almost 2 years, my husband and I had our first heart to heart after an estranged period in our marriage. Honestly, since having our child there hasn’t been much to argue about or disagree on. Our focus was to take care of our son and as long as he was good, then we were good. WRONG. So with that, my motherly instincts kicked in. My son was born a micro-preemie (born 1 lb. 10 oz.). For that reason, I wanted to make sure he was stimulated, breastfed, and nurtured more than normal. My husband constantly told me how good of a mom I was and that added to my self-worth.
During our heart-to-heart it became clear that we weren’t living as the happily married couple we wanted to be. We were living like roommates. I work days, he works nights. He hangs out with his friends and I hang out with mine, under the impression, “as long as Cegan (Sea-gan) is good, I’m good.” So I stopped cooking all the time, the house wasn’t clean like how I know my husband likes it, we didn’t talk much, but I was happy because my child was happy.
I forgot to keep my husband satisfied with the little things I know he appreciated about me before I had his child. As we were having our conversation he said, “I think you’re more focused on being a great mom, but not a great wife,” and I cried- because he was right. I forgot about him (essentially we forgot about each other, but this is about ME). My response to him was a heart-felt “I’m sorry. I want to be a great wife to you.” And I do! I don’t want to just be his fine wife or the mother of his child. I want him to be able to say I take care of him AND our child because he’s my baby too.
It’s so easy to lose focus on the number one man in your life when he’s blessed you with the other number one person in your life. I needed to find the balance between keeping and making them both my priority. I can’t put being a mom over being a wife or vise versa. Both roles mean that much to me! So I take my time and try to give them what they both want.
I make them both dinners almost everyday- even if that means making 2 different meals because a grown man and toddler cannot eat the same thing all the time. My son gets my undivided attention while my husband is at work and by the time I pick my husband up- he has my undivided attention. I take time to shower my husband with hugs and kisses as much as I do our son. I know there has to be times when he might get jealous of how excited I am to see our son when I come home because I’m jealous sometimes when he kisses our son before he kisses me. Sounds bad when you say it aloud, but I’m sure other couples with small children understand. Additionally, I let my husband know I want alone time with him and that I need him. One of the reasons I knew he was the man for me was because of how much I needed him and I had never needed a man in my life! He adored that, and he deserves to always feel that. I refuse to make myself comfortable in only playing one role as a mother or a wife, because I am both. I have to put all of my energy in fostering these two relationships I have been blessed with. I may be even more tired now because of how much I am giving myself to them but it’s worth it because nothing is lacking in my family and my babies are happy.
Furthermore, whether we want to believe it or not, our children grow up and don’t need us. They leave the nest and start their own families. When that time comes I want to be able to celebrate with my husband about being kid free instead of looking at him and realizing he’s been in an empty marriage for 20 years. I want to and will be a great mom AND a great wife because my husband needs me too.