I'm 26 and I'm Tired

Iʼm 26 and Iʼm tired.
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In my 26 years of living, I’ve dealt with my share of bullshit from men. I’ve dealt with so many commitment issues, so much wasted time, so much infidelity, number of ghostings, and so many lies. Through both my friends and my own experiences, it’s a lot of commonalities when it comes to men. Itʼs like at puberty they were given a book on how to be careless and clueless with others feelings.

I want to pause for a second and state for the record, that I’m not whatever you think I am which has caused me to not be worth a damn. Iʼm not an “angry black woman,” Iʼm unfulfilled. I'm not bitter, Iʼm just tired. Iʼm tired of feeling like Iʼm not worthy of being loved. Iʼm tired of feeling like Iʼm never enough. Iʼm tired of feeling like Iʼll never find somebody I can be on the same page with while building together. Iʼm tired of feeling like Iʼll never have somebody that will go out of their way just to see me happy.

In my opinion, men don’t realize that the buildup of constant miscommunication, constant letdowns, constant pain that many of us women experience causes these emotions. We 're often called “crazy” or “petty” when we react to a situation, not realizing that this conversation or situation has happened before. And weʼre tired. Tired of repeating ourselves. Tired of giving you multiple chances. Tired of seeing your potential that you canʼt see for yourself. Tired of wanting to give you the world but you hesitating on accepting the offer.

For once, I would like a man to listen to me express my feelings and try to understand, instead of listening to respond and being defensive. Next time, it would be nice to see my efforts and level of care reciprocated. For a change, it would be nice to know my feelings are validated and normal. Iʼm aware not every woman goes through these things, as well as, some men do appreciate women. I see evidence of that and it makes me so happy. I also know that I'm nowhere near perfect (Godʼs not done with me yet!) and I have my own faults. Iʼm just a 26 year old trying to live my best life and make a connection with someone. But in the meantime, Iʼm gonna text this guy I have no business texting to temporarily fill my loneliness and get back on Tinder, attempting to convince myself that this could really be a happy ending....

Until next time! 

Janelle B.